Fair...

We are going to the state fair tomorrow and I can't wait to eat me some of those good ol fried mushrooms, yummmmmy. I guess I will get to see all the parents with their children and again be reminded of my failure to reproduce effectively. I wonder if it is possible to create my own little world where the only people allowed in are those who are infertile. Nah, that would be no fun and my tear ducts might get clogged from lack of use. Anyhoo, I should be ovulating in the next few days so here we go again for the 1 millionth time, or so it seems. Hanky Panky should not have to be planned and so stressful! Can I pass that in to law? Okay I must go now as I need to practice my transcription so I can pass my exam with high honors. I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend.

One Week Late

Okay as of last sunday I was a week late and I have been experiencing some pain. I did have some light spotting but nothing like normal. I am so concerned it is another ectopic or a miscarriage but I can not seem to make the appointment to see the doctor. Maybe if I just ignore the reality, things will all work out. I do not understand why this has to be happening to me again. I do know that everything happens according to God's will but that just doesn't make it any less painful. In my head I know I need to see the doctor, but in my heart I just do not want to know the truth. Please pray for me as I go through this heartbreak and get up the courage to find out if my suspicions are reality, another baby I will not touch, hold, or sing lullabyes to.

My Angels

To My Unborn Angels

Although I never got to meet you,
You are very much a part of me.
Although I never got to touch you,
I love you so dearly.
Although I never got to see you,
I am sure of your beauty.
Although we are not together,
Someday soon we shall be.

When

When will I hear them call me mommy?
When will I rock them fast asleep?
When will I see them take their first steps?
When will I stop having to deal with infertility?

Pity Party

As I sit here this morning all I can think about is how bad I want a child of my own. Every inch of my being aches. I have spent the last couple of days crying myself to sleep and unfortunately it hasn't made me feel any better. I have got to bring myself out of this rut like I have many times before. However, I am just not even sure I want to anymore. What's the point? Will I just get back to this point again?

I know there are millions of people that have less than I, but for some reason at this point in my life that doesn't even seem to matter anymore. I live my life the way I was raised to do and it just does not seem to get me anywhere. As I look around I see children having babies, mothers addicted to drugs experiencing the miracle of childbirth, and even others having abortions when it isn't in their plans to be pregnant. Why them? Why not me? I just can't comprehend the reasoning behind this. If anyone has any ideas please do let me know.

Yes, I am a Christian and I do believe God has a plan for each of us, but that sure doesn't take away the pain I feel everyday of my life. I have nephews and a niece I love with all my heart and thankfully they are still able to put a smile on my face and in my heart. Oh well enough about my pity party today, please say a little prayer for me because I do still believe in the power of prayer.